Madison Daniels
College Writing
Dr. Sirias
Roots
I
remember that night like it was yesterday—December 24th, 2009 in
Kansas City, Missouri. My brother and I were helping set up for the annual
Christmas Eve party for my father’s side of the family. My mom called us upstairs,
her tone of voice serious. As we walked up to my parents’ room, I could faintly
hear my dad speaking to someone over the phone. My brother and I sat on their
bed just as the phone call ended. After countless interviews and discussions,
my dad had been offered a job—in Panamá. I remember my parents looking at us and asking, “We
want to hear your opinions. Are we going to go through with this?”
The
answer was yes.
I
said yes because the situation was almost perfect. After living in the United
States for 22 years, my mom would be returning to her native country. My
brother and I would get to spend time with my mom’s family, who we only saw
during summer vacations. But more importantly, I could immerse myself into a
culture that is part of my genetic being.
We decided
unanimously to move and we put our future in God’s hands. I remember my mom
calling her family in Panamá to tell them the good news. I vividly recall the
screams of joy coming through the phone and the tears of happiness running down
my mom’s face. When we finished, we went back to the preparations for the Christmas
party-- and the snow began to fall outside. It was like our personal despedida from the last winter we would experience
for several years to come.
Moving
to another country is not an easy task. It is something that can only be
comprehended by those who have gone through it. It was very hard for me to say
goodbye to friends and family, but I came with an open mind. It is only now
that I have realized that moving to Panamá was the “push” that I needed. I needed to be forced
out of my comfort zone to find myself. Although it may seem negative, I believe
that my life would have been boring and ordinary if I hadn’t have moved.
Discovering
yourself is a lifelong process. One learns about oneself throughout an entire lifetime.
I learned a lot about myself when I went back to the place that I once lived. I
learned that I have to take into account what my friends and family in Kansas
City think about my situation. With the learning process, came the act of
acceptance. It was hard for me to accept that those people that I love will
never fully understand. It was painful, but I had to accept that they will
never understand how I feel about living in Panamá or how I feel about my second culture. For
example, it was difficult hearing my own friends make comments such as “Panamá isn’t your real home.
You need to come back to the United States, a real country.” It was hard for me
to accept that my own grandmother judged and still judges me today about my
life here. To her and to others with a close-minded view, I am a teenager
living an unhappy life in a third-world country.
I
truly wish that these people could see that I wasn’t thrown into a negative situation.
I chose to move. This decision completely changed the course of my life, but I
know that it was meant to be. I hope that one day they will be able to
understand my happiness. I hope that one day, they will see that I am at peace.
My
feelings toward these last three years of my life came as a realization to me
when I was on a plane leaving Panamá in the summer of 2013. As the plane was taking off, I
was overwhelmed with a strange feeling that I had never felt before and I cried.
I concluded that I have an emotional attachment to this place because I had
finally opened up my heart and embraced every aspect of my second culture. I
realized that Panamá and my Hispanic ethnicity is a big part of who I am.
For
the first time in my life, I know who I am and I know where I am supposed to
be. My roots are here.
